What does it feel like to be trapped in yourself, can't let anyone in and you can't get out yourself ?
I could answer this. It feels horrible. It gets frustrating. I even feel hopeless sometimes. Where did the old me go? He was so happy, full of life, full of joy, just wanting love. Now the very thing I always wanted scares the living day lights out of me. I never envisioned myself to be shadowless. I never thought I would be only me, just me, no mate, no companion, no love interest....just me. However, this is my story.
It hurts to be where I am. I keep trying to f5 my life and it is refreshed. Yet alot of what I don't want to see or feel still exists. Yes, I have encouraged myself. I believe a better day can come but sometimes I feel like I'm on the roller coaster of love and I have a permanent ride and I will never get off.
When people meet me and show genuine interest its refreshing but I feel like I can't do this. It's not that I'm running but more so choosing to stay in a place that I feel I need to be. I'm still acknowledging what happened. You have no idea what its like to wake up everyday and realize someone you thought you knew you didn't. It's shocking and devastating. I often wonder will I ever really know people for who they truly are or will I always have to be on guard and prepared for their inner monster. But new people shouldn't have to pay for old people's debt. Nevertheless, honestly they are the ones who receive the after effects of a painful situation. It feels like I'm hurting people because I can't function love wise. What a sad feeling. Take my time or just give it time...is that what you are saying? Trust me I get it!
Once you felt a certain type of pain and you've reached a level of being hurt you can't see yourself ever vulnerable to that again. Love, can you beat in my heart again as pure as you once did. Can we find peace in meeting new people? Undress me of fear and give me the courage to love. I am a coward.
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