The first man you loved was your father, you wanted his love, affection, and guidance. Hell, it was imperative that you received it! What most of us received from our fathers normally fell short of that or was nothing like that. The idea of a great dad were filled with things like he would live forever. He was of many emotions, some simple yet some complex. He would be very close to you completely supporting you; However teaching you the importance of independence and self reliability. He extended a gentleness towards you but also made sure you would be tough. He was a man who's body seemed to be the perfect model but his intelligence was more impacting. He is like no other man in the world. His influence would be epic and legendary.
Most of our fathers were taught to be stoic and emotionless. They were raised to never let anyone see them break. That would be a sign of weakness. Now here we are full of emotions but refusing to show it because we don't want to feel weak even though we already do. How do we grasp or have a relationship especially an emotional one with our fathers. How?!?!
It was like some unwritten rule that we are suppose to be cared for and loved by our mothers and fathers. Our fathers was suppose to guide us, instruct us on how to be a man, a perfect man. For many of us our fathers failed to do this at a very sensitive time in our lives.
As we grew older we would go on to experience various forms of invalidation, but the one provided by our fathers would be the most damaging by far. The first man that we would love and the one we would love the most is incapable of validating us at a very tender time when we desperately needed it. This is betrayal and abandonment at it's strongest. The wound created will affect some of us for the majority of our life.
Imagine by the time we have our first sexual encounter with another man we have already felt the burn and residue of rejection, emotional neglect and some kind of abandonment from our fathers. We then learn to survive by conforming to the expectation of others, somewhat being a puppet just to feel loved, wanted, and accepted. Some become fashion forward gurus, Adonis built, rich, famous, popular socialite, or whatever we feel we need to be to feel some strong form of validation. We all have met them. This is you and me. We just wanted to be loved and accepted.
Now, everyone's experience with their father wasn't the same. Some of us actually had good, healthy relationships with our father. However, there is still an affect on us today by these relationships be it good or bad.
I lost my father September 12, 2006 and my life hasn't been the same. I lost my mind because I lost my hero. I lost my male first love, my dad. I went through therapy for over a year and I encourage everyone to go just once and see how much help it can be. The lost of my father made me fear losing closeness with any male. I no longer wanted to date. I didn't want love with the risk of it not being forever. I stayed away from any kind of emotional attachment or emotional development between me and another male. I couldn't handle it. I didn't want to deal with it. Yet that ever so lasting urge to be loved and have a companion kept pulling at me. I gave in and began to date. They all failed to last. The last heartbreak I felt reminded me of pain when I lost my Dad. It took me mentally to a place where I no longer wanted to put myself out there for love to not have forever; but to only again experience losing a man I loved dearly. I noticed how hard I fought and tried to make it work. I never wanted to feel like I'm losing another man that I love. I had already lost the first and most important man I ever loved, my Dad.
Think about your relationship with your father or the lack there of...then think about your outlook on men and dating. It will be interesting what you learn once your honest about your emotions.....................
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