Don't Give Up!

My friends are all different but all bring a little something special to the table.  I have friends of different heights, weights, nationalities, personalities, and sexuality.  A friend of mine had been telling me he was depressed for a while but do to my demanding job and my own drama I haven't had time to be there like he needed me to be until tonight.  This particular friend is gay.  He began to remove his band aids and expose all his wounds to me tonight.  He expressed his disappointment and frustration with being gay.  The only thing odd to me is the same things he expressed, I heard from my straight friends as well.  The only difference is the passion that laced his conversation to me.  He began to say how he met a guy and thought everything was good until out of the blue he left and said he needed to live a straight life.  No sign or anything just up and left.  He began to tell me a series of stories one after another constantly displaying the pain he was feeling through his relationships.  He thought that it may be his body.  He began to start starving himself and working out excessively to be liked to be admired to be desired to feel like he may have a chance.  Funny enough, the only thing about this is he found himself with hotter dudes but still heartbroken.  He said Del all I want is 1.  One dude that could love him for who he is and be satisfied with him.  What do I say?  What could I say?  He began to say how freaky he is and how willing he was to please his mate, however nothing was ever good enough.  He began to say his life is ruined all because he is gay.  Then there was a tear that fell from his eyes and he looked at me and said you don't know what it’s like.  He was all in his emotions so I allowed him to feel how he felt.  He began to say how he wants to become a bug chaser.  For those who don't know what that is..that's someone who seeks pos people to become infected so that they will die by not taking care of themselves.  My heart stopped and I became in a very weird form of state of shock.  I said dude you can't!  Whatever happened has happened but you can start right now today try again change all things you don't like.  He went forth to tell me that I didn't know what he was feeling because I am attractive and can have anybody I want.  I said, HA I WISH!  Obviously, he didn't read my blogs.  I have been rejected, hurt, mistreated, lied to and called ugly...but so what.  It’s not the end of me, they have no power over me.  I explained to him that I want the very things he desire and so do alot of people.  I also said if you believe that you are worthy of it, it will come.  We talked for a little while longer.  I couldn't stop thinking about our conversation.  He felt so low due to disappointment in those he dated and committed to that he was just ready to end it.  The very last thing I told him was whatever your story is, if you don't want it to be your story you have the power to change it starting now.  I asked myself can you feel so alone to the point you no longer want to live..is that possible?  And it was.  He got what he wanted and he became HIV pos.  He disappeared for a while and finally I ran into him.  He looked great.  We talked and he told me this is my life and I can’t surrender it to people or to circumstances.  He told me that he was on his meds regularly and now undetectable.  We caught up because years had passed. 

I know it gets hard sometimes but please don’t give up.