I wasn't always the good guy. Hell, I never claimed to be a good guy when I know I was on my bullshit!
I had been hurt real bad to a point I couldn't fathom another emotional attack on my fragileness, on my most sensitive area...my heart. Love had been reduced to something I only was going to hear on TV or in a song. I kept it far away from me. Anything that was remotely a sign of emotional intimacy or even emotional attachment was pushed far away from me. I didn't want it. I didn't need it. My last memories of it was nothing I cared to feel again.
You are a product of everything that's happened to you. Either you become victim to it or you survive it! I couldn't be the loser. I couldn't let everyone that entered my heart and completely trash it win. I couldn't accept defeat at the lost of unworthy men. As hard as it was, I owed it to myself to have the things I desire (a monogamous relationship). I didn't care about exactly how many good men were out there. I just wanted the one that was created for me.
I began to get myself together. I cut out my bullshit! I became more aligned with the part of me that was genuine, loving, humble, honest and simply wanting love. I spent alot of time with him. I dated myself for quite sometime. I have to know me before I can present me to you. I heavily indulged in self help books about love, life, being me freely and loving someone else. I did everything i thought I needed to be a guy that wouldn't have to deal with rejection or hurt again. I thought I was on my way to being "a catch".
It's been several years and I've only caught Hell. Is this dream now a fantasy only. Am I now delusional and crazy for believing in this almost fairy tale like thing called LOVE? I gave so much of myself, damn near all I had to ensure a bond, a connection, a foundation for something that a he and I could build on. I drop my head in sadness and disappointment. What was I thinking?
I thought that if I tried, if I was honest, if I gave it my all love could be for me. There were so many songs that reaped about happiness and having forever. How did I end up on the wrong side of a love song?
I think its hard on those who have once lived a certain lifestyle and have changed their ways. So much time is spent trying to get on a certain track and focus on whats important and genuine only to be taken through disappointment and even games sometimes.
ReplyDeleteThe thing we do have to learn, though, is that just because we've made changes about ourselves doesn't always mean that we will immediately be rewarded for them.
Relationships are work and takes more than a sole proprietor...it HAS to be a PARTNERSHIP! I can say that from the sounds of it, you are in the right direction, but you may have to maneuver around particular people standing in your pathway.